I know blogging isn’t what it used to be, but lately I’ve found myself craving a place to share more than what fits in an Instagram caption. Social media is wonderful for the snapshots – the outfits I’m loving, beauty favorites, family moments, and little glimpses into everyday life. But some stories deserve more space than a caption allows.
Recovery is one of them.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve shared bits and pieces of my eating disorder recovery on Instagram. But today I wanted to sit down and write an update about where I’m at — what’s been hard, what has surprised me, what has been beautiful, and what continues to keep me moving forward.
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Treatment Wasn’t the Finish Line
In case you missed my post back in April, I went to residential treatment for an eating disorder in March. I spent one month there and have now been home for almost three months…which is actually crazy. It feels like I got home three days ago.
Going away to treatment was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was terrified. I was homesick. I felt embarrassed that I even needed treatment. And I missed my kids with a depth I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced before. Every single day I felt this physical ache in my chest. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t fall apart emotionally (we’re talking major ugly crying, every single day).
But, the ‘eating disorder recovery’ part of treatment was actually not the hardest part. I walked into treatment with a very Enneagram 3 mindset: Just tell me the rules, and I’ll follow them perfectly. So that’s what I did.
I followed my meal plan. I rested. I didn’t exercise. I went to every therapy session, every group, every meal. For the first time in years, I gave myself permission to eat foods I didn’t allow myself to eat at home. I gave myself permission to rest because exercising simply wasn’t an option. And healing began.
Emphasis on the word began.
Because as difficult as treatment was emotionally, recovery itself actually felt…simpler there. There were guardrails. Meals were planned.
Exercise wasn’t an option. Everyone around me understood exactly what I was fighting. While I was there, I found myself thinking, I’ve got this. I’m crushing recovery. Send me home.
I knew life would be more challenging at home, with more freedom, more choices, more stress, more triggers, but I truly believed I was ready. I knew treatment wasn’t the finish line. It was the starting line.
Coming Home Was the Real Beginning
The real work of recovery started the day I walked back through my front door. Residential treatment gave me a safe place to begin nourishing myself and also the tools on how to recover. Coming home has meant choosing recovery over and over again, sometimes dozens of times a day.
People often ask how recovery is going, and I don’t always know how to answer that in a 30-second Instagram Story. Because recovery doesn’t always look dramatic….
Sometimes it looks like eating the meal I planned even when my eating disorder tells me not to.
Sometimes it looks like skipping a workout because my body genuinely needs rest.
Sometimes it looks like texting my dietitian or recovery coach to admit a thought I’d rather keep hidden.
Sometimes it looks like crying.
Sometimes it looks incredibly ordinary.
But every one of those moments is recovery. I may be home from residential treatment, but that doesn’t mean I arrived home “recovered.” Recovery is still my number one priority. Every single week I meet with my therapist, my dietitian, my recovery coach, and our marriage counselor. I honestly couldn’t be more grateful for the incredible team God has placed around me. I know without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.
The Hardest Part: The Nuance
This is probably the part of recovery I wasn’t expecting. I tend to do really well with black-and-white thinking. Give me rules. Give me a checklist. Tell me exactly what to do. But eating disorder recovery doesn’t work that way. Especially in the culture we live in. We’re constantly surrounded by messages about optimizing our health — hitting 10,000 steps, building muscle, eating “clean,” tracking everything, doing more.
None of those things are inherently bad.
But when you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, the question isn’t always what you’re doing… It’s why you’re doing it.
Ordering a salad isn’t disordered… Ordering a salad because I’m afraid of eating carbs? That’s different.
Going for a run isn’t unhealthy…. Going for a run because I feel like I have to compensate for how much I ate? That’s different.
Motives matter.
One question my recovery coach gave me has become one of the most helpful filters in this season: “Is this choice moving me toward long-term balance and wellness…or toward the life my eating disorder wants for me?” That question has changed so much for me.
PIN IT
What Keeps Me Going
Recovery isn’t about never hearing the eating disorder voice again, it’s about learning whose voice I’m going to listen to. So I keep bringing everything into the light. I tell my treatment team the thoughts I’d rather keep to myself. I journal. I pray. I ask God for wisdom. I ask people I trust to speak truth when I can’t see clearly.
Because one thing I’ve learned is this: We are only as sick as our secrets. And sometimes? Sometimes I simply choose to do the exact opposite of what my eating disorder wants me to do. Out of pure spite. (Highly recommend.)
There are still days I miss my old body. Days I miss my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Days when recovery feels exhausting. But then I remember who I was just a few months ago…
She was surviving.
She was isolated.
She was anxious.
She was constantly thinking about food, exercise, or the number on the scale.
She lived such a small life.
And I don’t ever want to go back there.
The Gifts Recovery Has Already Given Me
One of the biggest surprises has been how much recovery has already given back to me, even in this season where I’m still “recovering”. I’m more present with my kids. I laugh more. I have conversations without half my brain calculating calories or planning tomorrow’s workout. I have space to think about things that actually matter. I feel more connected. More flexible. More joyful. Most importantly, I feel like I’m becoming more and more aligned with the woman God created me to be.
Not because I’ve “arrived.” Not because I’m fully healed…but because every day I choose freedom over control. Connection over isolation. My life is becoming about so much more than food and exercise. It’s becoming about people, creativity, play, purpose, faith, and presence.
click here to shop the look above in the LTK app.
Why I’ll Keep Choosing Recovery
Recovery is still hard. Some days…it’s really hard. But you know what was harder? Living a life where every decision revolved around food. Missing moments with my family because my mind was somewhere else. Believing my worth could somehow be measured by a number on a scale. That life was exhausting.
This one isn’t easy, but it’s full. Every day I get little glimpses of the woman God has been inviting me to become all along. A woman who is present. Connected. Joyful. Flexible. Free. Those glimpses keep me going. So tomorrow, I’ll wake up and choose recovery again. Not because it’s easy, but because freedom is worth fighting for.
If you’re reading this and you’re in the middle of your own recovery journey—whether it’s from an eating disorder, addiction, anxiety, or anything else— I hope you know this: Healing rarely happens all at once. It happens one brave decision at a time.
One honest conversation.
One meal.
One prayer.
One act of surrender.
Keep going.
The life waiting for you on the other side is so much bigger, richer, and more beautiful than the one fear wants to keep you trapped in.
And I believe with all my heart… It’s worth fighting for.
xo Lauren
