You guys I cannot believe Shiloh is turning three years old today! Everyone always says “it goes so fast” and truly…it goes so fast. I feel like I had her yesterday. While we are SO excited to celebrate her today (and let’s be honest, all week long), I’ve also had a twinge of sadness these past few days. 1) Part of my mama heart is really sad thinking about how fast she’s growing up. I love this stage of life with her SO much and I just want to freeze time. Right now, she says I am her best friend and she LOVES her mama so much and she is so sweet and our biggest issues are not eating cake pops for lunch haha. And I know that won’t always be the case. I LOVE this toddler stage (even though it still has its challenges).
Also, I’ve shared over the past year our struggle with secondary infertility. We’ve been trying for baby #2 now for almost two years. Shiloh is turning 3 today and I thought FOR SURE I would have another kid by now. So, the older she gets, the further apart in age I know her and baby #2 will be, and it hurts my heart a little more every day. When I envisioned my life as a mom I never really thought I’d just have one three year old, without another baby yet if that makes sense.
I caught myself feeling sad earlier this week and I was kind of mad at myself for it. I knew I didn’t want to be sad this week when we had so much to celebrate but something that I’ve learned throughout this infertility journey is that grief and joy can coexist. It doesn’t HAVE to be one or the other, and i’m learning to give myself grace for feeling all the feelings. When my sister told me she was pregnant last March I was SO incredibly overjoyed for her, and when we hung up the phone I also sobbed on the floor of my room for an hour. Grief and joy.
My baby girl is turning 3 years old today and we are throwing her a beautiful party and getting our nails done together and celebrating 100%…and I also feel a hint of sadness that we don’t have a little sibling here to celebrate with us. Joy and grief.
At the same time though, I am also learning how much POWER there is in choosing joy when sadness is trying to overcome you. Earlier this week I found myself with Shiloh, feeling so sad about her turning 3 today. And I had to stop and ask the Lord to help me shift my mindset. I had to stop and ask God to fill my heart with gratitude for my baby girl and for our family, even if it looks different than I thought it would. I intentionally stopped and said “I’m going to choose joy and gratitude this week over sadness” and honestly…my entire week + mood has completely shifted.
Shiloh and I have had lots of special mommy + daughter time over the past week. My heart has felt a new explosion of love and gratitude for her – truly the sweetest gift from the Lord. Yes, I still feel sadness over the fact that we aren’t pregnant yet but more than that, I feel overjoyed that I GET to celebrate this little girl turning 3 years old today. That God allowed Michael and I to be her parents. That she is the COOLEST kid I’ve ever met and cracks me up every single day and fills my heart with greater joy than I have ever known.
So, yes…grief and joy can 100% coexist and it’s something I experience everyday. But something I’ve really been learning is that when you choose joy, your entire mood changes. Your entire week changes. Your outlook and relationships and mindset completely shift. You just have to make a choice, and I think you’ll see how your perspective moves towards gratitude and it’s so powerful.
Happy 3rd birthday to our rainbow baby! Shiloh you are the light of mine and your dad’s life and I thank God everyday he allowed us to be your parents. So excited to celebrate all week long!
This post was created in collaboration with Nordstrom. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own!